You Want Me To Put The Coffee Where?! A How-To On Coffee Enemas

Photo by Mike Kenneally from Unsplash

Ah, coffee. It is typically associated with frantic mornings trying to get everything situated before we leave for work, a quick pick-me-up when we need a caffeine boost, or what we rely on to pull all-nighters. Although I was never a big coffee drinker before I couldn't consume caffeine (caffeine has never been a friend of mine anyway), I've found another way to consume it, but (and no pun intended ha ha ha) I recognize you might need some convincing first.

A couple of posts back, I talked about how I cleared up my cystic acne. One of the biggest elements of my success has been employing various detox methods to help get rid of bacteria and other toxins hanging out in my body. Under the umbrella of highly beneficial detox methods is none other than coffee enemas. Now, before I jump right into explaining how to do a coffee enema, I'm sure you're wondering why in the world would anyone willingly put coffee up their butt. Yup, buckle in kiddos, we're about to get real.

Firstly, this practice has been around for a number of years - we're talking B.C. times and ancient Egypt. Naturally, you wouldn't expect a regular practitioner in our Western medical system to suggest you do something "alternative" like a coffee enema, but many health practitioners across the globe suggest that patients with autoimmune diseases and terminal illnesses try their best to do coffee enemas regularly. But what is it about coffee enemas that are so useful for our health? Well, let's take a look...

Benefits of Coffee Enemas

1. ​They help detoxify and improve glutathione levels, which plays a crucial role in immune  function, promotes T-cell function, and protects our bodies from environmental toxins, among other benefits
2. Can ease PMS symptoms, such as cramping and bloating
3. Reduce anxiety (this is true! I feel so much better anxiety-wise after I do a coffee enema)
4. Improve digestion
5. Banish candida
6. Boost energy
7. Contribute to hormone regulation
8. Improve mental clarity and focus
9. Reduce chronic pain
10. Improve our skin health

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but if you're like me, you're probably also wondering the science behind all of this and how putting some brewed beans up your bum can help your health (one point to me for that alliteration, right?).

How do coffee enemas work?

When coffee is administered into the colon, it is absorbed into the bloodstream and carried to the liver. Then, there is an increase in the production of the aforementioned glutathoine, which plays a key role in moving toxins out of the body. From there, the coffee stimulates our "biliary ducts to open and release toxins into the intestinal tract for excretion," according to Lindsea Burns, nutritional therapy practitioner at the Atlas Health Care Center.

tl;dr coffee enemas act as a way for your body to do some quick "spring cleaning," if you will.

How the heck do I do a coffee enema?

Well, this is where my sage (lol) advice comes in. For starters, you'll need to invest in an enema kit. I have one from Amazon that's made out of silicone and I've found it pretty easy to clean and I haven't had any user errors with it. Other people use buckets. Just hop onto Amazon and type in enema kit and see what tickles your fancy.

Then, I'm going to recommend that you really do your research on this before you dive right into putting something up ya bum. I'm certainly not a doctor, and I only know my body, so you'll have to make sure that you're going about this the right way and not putting yourself in harm's way. Here's a really awesome how-to on doing enemas that goes into way more detail than I'm going to go into, and it outlines a lot of the moving parts that you should take into consideration.

Okay, so you have your kit and you've done research. You've done enough water enemas (I recommend getting familiar with the enema process with just water first so you don't have to worry about making a mess) to feel comfortable, now what? Here's what coffee enemas look like for me in steps:

1. Do a water enema or two to make sure that my system is cleared out, or at least close to it.
2. Prepare my coffee enema solution = 3 cups of distilled or purified water and two tablespoons of ORGANIC dark-roasted (I'm not sure if it needs to be dark-roasted, but that's what I use) coffee (you can fiddle around with this amount depending on your weight/size - I don't take in a lot of water because I'm a tiny little thing).
3. Boil for 3-5 minutes; simmer for 10-12.
4. MAKE SURE THE COFFEE IS AT THE ***VERY LEAST*** AT BODY TEMPERATURE BEFORE DOING ANYTHING WHATSOEVER WITH IT!!!!! I don't know about you, but a burnt butthole and colon sounds absolutely horrible, not to mention very scary and would probably require a trip to the hospital.
5. Strain the heck out of your coffee solution before you put it into the enema bag/bucket because the grounds will clog the enema tubing and nothing will come out, speaking from experience :)
6. Pour solution into your enema bag/bucket.
7. Make sure the bag/bucket is placed up high enough so that the coffee gently goes into your colon. You don't need to put it up on the ceiling or up on a shower rod, but it needs enough height to make gravity work.
8. Unclamp your enema kit and let a little bit of the solution run out to remove air bubbles from the tubing.
9. Lubricate the nozzle on your enema bag and your good ol' anus (I literally just had to Google "scientific name for asshole" so that's where I'm at right now hahaha) - I use neem oil, but you can use coconut oil, olive oil, KY jelly, or whatever else floats your boat.
10. Get into position! I do a child's pose position when administering enemas, but you can try lying down on your back or on your right side if you'd like.
11. Insert the tube into the rectum a few inches and release the clamp. Let as much of the solution enter your colon as you can - I'm able to get it all in at once now that I've been doing this for awhile, but take as many pauses as you need to :)
12. Once you've taken in the entire solution, lay down on your right side and try retaining it for a minimum of 12 minutes, max 15.
13. Once your time is up, hop up (well, maybe move slowwwwwly instead) on the toilet and I think you can figure out the rest ;)
14. WASH YOUR KIT THOROUGHLY!!! You want to make sure that you don't run the risk of your kit producing mold or being dirty. I use very warm water and regular dish soap.

Tips, Tricks, and Other Information

Okay, so I totally understand that if this is your first time trying this that it sounds uber intimidating - I was 110% once in your shoes. The reason why I recommended getting familiar with water enemas first is exactly for this reason. They'll help you overcome the fear of messing anything up and they don't require as much prep or retaining time. There's no need to rush into doing any of this - the coffee isn't going anywhere, and you want to make sure that you study up and do this the *right* way so that it's beneficial to your health and well being.

Obviously, you'll also have to get comfortable with your body. Thankfully, I've always been one for telling people about my bowel movements and love toilet humor more than the average person, so the concept of enemas never made me embarrassed or afraid, but I understand not everyone is like me (thankfully :P). So, figure out how to overcome that obstacle if you think it's going to get in the way of taking advantage of this amazing detox method.

Once you're ready to rock and roll, go to the store and buy a coffee that resonates with you, making sure it's organic. After making the coffee, try using a coffee strainer or paper filters over a different pot so that you get those pesky grounds out of the way. The last time I did a coffee enema I got a bunch of grounds into my solution, so I had to get creative in removing them from my bag to get things flowing.

If you're concerned about making a mess, you can hang your kit on the shower rod (I know I said you don't have to hang it that high, but I do and don't have any problems :)),administer the enema in the shower, and then move to the floor to lay down and hold the solution. Obviously, when I let out my solution to remove air bubbles I do that into the shower, and once I'm done with everything I just run the shower for a few seconds and clean up the spillage.

You may also be wondering how the hell you're going to hold coffee in your butt for 12 whole minutes. I concur. If you're like me (a big ball of gas no matter what's in my digestive tracts), this is something that I have to overcome each time I do a coffee enema. I put on meditation music, focus on alternating between deep breaths and fast controlled breathing. I also try to settle into a comfortable position that I know will give my stomach room to "breathe." Feel free to Google other tips and tricks for overcoming this obstacle.

​Ultimately, you're going to have to figure out what works for you, but don't get discouraged if you can't hold the enema for a full 12 minutes the first time you do it.

Okay, so I think that about does it for this post, but as promised, here are a bunch of helpful links that should start you off on your VERY IMPORTANT research stage of enemas. Also, please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions. My email is in the 'About Me' section on my website, since I'm sure some people don't want to drop a comment about dropping a coffee inspired deuce :P SORRY! Couldn't help myself...

Coffee Enema Instructions - Benefits, Recipe, & How to Do
Fight Cancer & Detoxify with a Coffee Enema
Home Enemas: How and Why You Should Perform Them
How to Perform an Enema at Home - YouTube
How to Take an Enema - How to Cleanse Your Colon Safely

Photo by Tyler Nix from Unsplash